


In The Pursuit of Smoke Rings

by distant_rose



Series: Little Pirates [16]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Idiot Teenagers Smoking Underage, In which baby Robin is nicknamed Bobbi for future reference, Regina is the queen of sass and shows these kids what's up, there's an absurd amount of pop culture references in here, this entire fic is a snarkfest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-22
Updated: 2017-07-22
Packaged: 2018-12-05 07:15:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11573076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/distant_rose/pseuds/distant_rose
Summary: Ever since they were little, Captain Hook’s son has been goading the Wicked Witch’s daughter into doing stupid and insane things. This might be the dumbest one of all.





	In The Pursuit of Smoke Rings

**Author's Note:**

> I tried to get this out yesterday but honestly, this story got away from me. I wanted to keep it in the 4k spectrum and now it’s the 7k. In other words, I have no self control. magajv asked me if I could write Wes getting up to some naughty business like teenage drinking or smoking, and I have to say that I already had this idea in the bag, but this is kinda fulfilling what she was asking as I marked it as a semi-request. So this fic is mainly focused around 15 year old Wes, 16-17 year old Gideon and 16-17 year old Robin/Bobbi smoking in the Jones backyard and getting caught because they’re idiot children. Please keep in mind that I’m not a habit smoker. I’ve smoked a few times in my life, but it’s not something I do a lot. I did a lot of research on smoking and producing smoke rings, but I’m not sure how well I realistically I portrayed it in this installment. This entire installment is literally just one big snark fest. Thank you welpthisishappening for reading huge chunks of this and for dealing with my writing on a near daily basis. You don’t deserve that torture.

There were times when Robin “Bobbi” Mills was pretty certain that Westley “Wes” Jones was Satan. He had a way of getting in her head and making her do things that she wouldn’t do normally. Ever since he sat down next to her in Granny’s diner when she was eight and he was six, he had found ways to get under her skin. All it took was a whisper here and a goading tease there, and suddenly Bobbi was involved in some ridiculous scheme to where the school toilets exploded or everyone in town had blue teeth. What had all started with conspiring to make Neal Nolan faceplant into his mashed potatoes had led to her sitting in the Jones’ backyard on a hot summer day with Gideon Gold and the Devil himself who held a lit cigarette in hand.

“Care for a smoke?” he asked her casually, leaning forward to offer it to her. His blue eyes were dancing with mischief.

“Are you serious right now?”

Bobbi arched a thin eyebrow at him, her own blue eyes flittering between his face and the cigarette. She brushed her long auburn hair behind her shoulder, giving him an unimpressed look.

“As the grave,” he replied with a tiny smirk and a waggle of his eyebrows that made her want to smack him.

“Nice phrasing, considering you’re holding a cancer stick,” she shot back with a snort, leaning backwards in her lawn chair and assuming a more languid pose as if to suggest that she could care less about anything in the moment.

Bobbi was never one to give into Wes’s schemes without a fight. They always seemed to be caught in a never-ending verbal tennis match, constantly volleying sarcastic remarks and snips without a victor in sight. Gideon often acted as a referee between them, cutting in whenever they dug a little deeper than they should have and emotions started showing through the cracks of their uncaring facades. They knew how to needle each other a little too well, but then again, they had been friends since they could walk.

Wes responded to her comment with a snort of his own, giving her look that seemed to suggest he was disappointed in her. She hated the fact that the look could actually get to her and made her insides sink a little bit. It made her no better than the court of girls that seemed to hang around him and implore for his approval. The blue-eyed devil was a charismatic son of a bitch after all.

“Cancer stick? Please!” He made a motion with his hand as if to dismiss her claims. “We all die someday, Bobs. Considering we live in the insanity that is Storybrooke, I doubt it would be from cancer. More likely a spell gone wrong or falling on some maniac’s sword.”

“While I don’t think you’re wrong, I’m not sure Aunt Genie would appreciate me coming by the house smelling of smoke.”

Bobbi’s aunt, Regina Mills, had a nose like a bloodhound. Whenever Bobbi would come back from riding her horse, she would make an audibly sniff and her face would curl into an expression of disgust before demanding that Bobbi go take a shower. She had no doubt in her mind that her aunt would pick up on the smell of tobacco and smoke that would no doubt cling to her summer dress.

“Where’s your sense of adventure?” Wes asked, eyes finding hers and keeping her gaze. He was goading her again and she didn’t appreciate it.

“Apparently hiding with your common sense.”

Gideon, who had been a silent spectator up until this point, chuckled. He was clearly amused with the spar that was happening in front of him. He leaned back in his chair as well, a look of positive delight on his face.

“That was a good one, Robin,” he commended her.

Bobbi scowled at him despite the compliment. She hated being called Robin. She only felt comfortable with her mother and aunt calling her that. There was nothing more awkward than the fact that she bore the name of the dead father she never met. She always found something morbid about it, but considering her mother and aunt, it wasn’t necessarily surprising. However, Gideon Gold gave zero fucks if you preferred to be called something; he always called everyone by their first given name. She swore he took pleasure in pissing people off in the subtlest of ways.

“She’s got you there, Westley,” Gideon said, turning to Wes and effectively ignoring Bobbi’s glare. “She won that round.”

“She won a battle, not the war,” Wes replied coolly, rolling his shoulders. Despite his attempt to look nonchalant, Bobbi could see his competitive spirit rising just beneath the fragile surface. “Seriously though, Gid, who’s side are you on here?”

“No one’s,” Gideon scoffed. “I’m bloody Switzerland. I’m too smart to get between the two of you and your ridiculous competition. I would get eviscerated in seconds.”

As if on cue, Bobbi and Wes both gave Gideon the same arched eyebrow.

“Translation from Gideon speak: ‘Wes is my best friend and I want to be there for my ‘bro’ but Bobbi Mills wrecks him every time and I don’t want to support the losing side and get wrecked myself’,” Bobbi said, flashing Wes a smirk.

Both of Wes’s eyebrows rose at her proclamation and he leaned forward, wagging his finger at her.

“You need a new Gideon speak translator because that’s definitely not what he said,” Wes retored with a small snort. “First, Gideon is a civilized motherfucker and would never call us by preferred names. You would be Robin and I would be Westley. That was the first mistake. The second was that you don’t wreck every time. That was a blatant lie right there, Robin Cora Mills. It’s like forty percent at most. However, all of this nonsense is beside the point because I am fluent in Bobbi Mills speak and could possibly be considered a Bobbi Mills behaviorist. And you, my darling sweet ginger without a soul, are avoiding the issue. You’re being a chicken. One smoke, love. It will give you something to add to your ‘Never Have I Ever’ list.”

There was a lot Bobbi personally found wrong with his little speech, but at the same time, he was right. She was avoiding the issue and knowing Wes Jones as well as she did, she knew that he wasn’t going to let up. He was like a dog with a bone; never knowing when to quit.

“I don’t have a ‘Never Have I Ever’ list,” she replied after a moment, giving him an unimpressed look.

“Yeah because you’ve never done anything fun in your entire life. Always so practical. Unleash your wild side, Bobs.”

Wes was giving her that look again – that mischievous one that made his blue eyes dance. She half-hated, half-adored that look because it made her heart race and adrenaline kick through her veins. That look was equally her damnation as it was a reminder that she was alive. She wondered how often people were able to resist him when he looked at them with that expression.

“I unleash my wild side all the time, you blue-eyed devil,” she scoffed. “You’re a horrible influence.”

The truth was that Wes Jones was her wild side. Whenever she was around him, she went off the hinges. She couldn’t tell him that though. It would feed that overgrown ego of his and he would be positively insufferable.

“I think I’m a wonderful influence,” he protested, half-heartedly offended. “Right, Gid?”

Wes gave Gideon a friendly pat on the thigh, which Gideon responded to with a cocked eyebrow.

“Absolutely not,” Gideon replied with some amusement in his voice. “Like eighty percent of the time when Robin and I get in trouble, it’s because of some insanity you started.”

Wes didn’t refute the claim nor did he look remotely apologetic.

“But you have fun, right?”

This time Gideon’s eyebrow went so high that it nearly touched his hairline.

“If detention qualifies as fun, then yes, Westley,” Gideon replied in the most patient tone he could muster.

“Awesome, so you agreed then,” Wes smirked.

Bobbi and Gideon shared a long look for a moment. Gideon pulled away first, throwing both hands up in the air as if he was surrendering and wiping his hands of the situation while Bobbi turned to Wes, who was looking particularly pleased with himself as he rocked back in his chair

“I’m now officially convinced you’re Satan,” she told him, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

Wes rolled his eyes, scoffing a bit. It was far from the first time she had ever said this to him.

“You’ve been convinced I’m Satan since we were kids,” he replied casually, as if she had commented on the weather rather than accuse him of being the Devil. “I mean I’m devilishly handsome, but the actual devil? Not sold there, Bobs. Still prefer the term ‘Maverick.’”

“Only because you’re obsessed with _Top Gun_ ,” Gideon laughed. “You’ve wanted to be call ‘Maverick’ since we were ten. I don’t think that ridiculous Kenny Loggins song has ever left my brain. They play it at least six different times in that movie. It’s absurd.”

“Danger Zone is amazing song and I won’t hear a word against it,” Wes shot back. “Besides, you’re my co-pilot, Gid. I won’t let you down, Goose.”

“Oh great! So, I’m the dead one!” Gideon scoffed in mock offense.

“You can prefer whatever you want, but I’m still going to call you the Devil,” Bobbi said, breaking the Top Gun talk once and for all.

Gideon and Wes had a habit of sharing personal inside jokes in front of her and pretending she knew what they meant. Nothing irritated her more than them going off about some ridiculously cheesy movie that they watched during their near weekly sleepovers. It made her feel like an outsider amongst her own best friends.

“Fair enough,” Wes replied, before handing off the cigarette to Gideon. “She’s wimping out me. I hope you don’t too.”

The curious thing about Wes Jones was as much as he didn’t seem to enjoy being around people was that he was impossibly good at reading them and knowing when to push. Though, he was younger than Gideon and Bobbi by a good two years, he seemed to always take charge and test their limits. Just as he knew how to goad Bobbi, he knew how to make Gideon do what he wanted. It was a frightening thing that Bobbi was increasingly becoming more and more aware of.

Gideon took the cigarette without complaint, but he did give it a small twirl between his fingers and look at it with a dubious expression.

“I’m not sure this is one of your brighter suggestions, Westley,” he said after a moment.

“Never said it was,” Wes said with a casual shrug. “Sometimes fucking up and making mistakes makes life more interesting. Sure, this is a bit on the naughty side, but it’s an experience.”

Gideon seemed to weigh Wes’s words for a moment before bringing the cigarette to his lips and taking a long drag. Immediately his eyes watered a bit and he began having a coughing fit.

“Yeah, a shit experience,” Gideon stated between coughs, bringing a hand to his throat.

Wes seemed amused as he took the cigarette back from Gideon.

“But an experience nonetheless, you bloody amateur,” Wes shot back, mocking the slight accent that seemed to twinge Gideon’s speech on occasion.

Gideon rolled his eyes at the ribbing.

“Forgive me if I don’t smoke two packs a day,” he replied sarcastically.

“Don’t listen to him, Gid,” Bobbi said, narrowing her eyes at Wes. “He’s just trying to make himself look cooler.”

Wes gave her an indulgent look, rolling the cigarette between his fingers expertly. He looked her straight in the eyes as he brought it so that it teased the seam of his lips.

“I don’t have to try,” he said rather arrogantly as he took a drag.

Bobbi watched as his thin lips formed an ‘o’ shape. He gave her a wink before he moved his jaw in a stiff upward motion and exhaled the smoke. Three distinct and perfectly shaped smoke rings left his mouth and lazily floated upwards in the air before disappearing. Bobbi watched them in fascination and begrudgingly admitted to herself that it looked pretty cool when he did that.

“Alright, asshole,” she turned to him, her voice tinged with both annoyance and curiosity. “How long have you been hiding the fact you’re a smoker?”

“I haven’t been hiding it at all,” Wes responded in a casual tone that drove her up the wall. “It’s rather recent that I picked up the habit.”

“Bullshit,” she stated bluntly. She did nothing to hide her annoyance with him. “I refuse to believe that you did that on the first try. I know you. You probably spent hours practicing that just so you could show off!”

Wes scoffed as if he were offended by the mere suggestion that he was lying.

“I didn’t practice for hours!” he said with a shake of his head. “I may have looked at a few YouTube videos, but it’s a lot easier than you would expect.”

Apparently, Gideon didn’t seem to be buying this either because he snorted and gave Wes another unimpressed look.

“You’re such a liar,” Gideon said with a roll of his eyes. “I’m with Robin with this, but I don’t think it took hours. It probably took days. You’re rather unproductive when you get frustrated and I have no doubt you got impatient when you’re trying out this bullshit technique.”

“No, really. It’s so easy that even Bobs could do it on the first try.”

And there it was. The gauntlet was being thrown at her feet. All three of them knew it and they all knew how she would react to it. Bobbi Mills did not back down from a challenge, especially not from Wes Jones. Some saying about pride coming before the fall floated in the back of her head, but she ignored it.

“Alright, I’ll bite,” she said begrudgingly, glaring at Wes. “Just to call you on your bullshit. Hand over the cancer stick.”

Wes laughed, his head falling back against the headrest of his chair with the force of it. Bobbi’s nails dug into the flesh of her palms to keep from slapping him. It would only delight him more if she physically assaulted him.

“The things you do in the name of proving me wrong,” he said, shaking his head and smirking at her.

“Someone needs to,” Bobbi retorted, crossing her arms in front of her chest. “You’re unbearably smug all the time and would probably fall over if your head was any bigger.”

The second she said it she immediately regretted because the moment he digested her words his eyes popped for a fraction before his gaze became wicked.

“But you love my big head,” he chuckled, giving her a wink.

Bobbi stuck out her tongue, which made his smirk even wider. In response, he licked his lips in a very obscene way that made both Bobbi and Gideon shift uncomfortably in their seats. Gideon made a slight cough, wrinkling his nose.

“No need to be vulgar,” Gideon lightly reprimanded.

Bobbi snorted.

“Vulgar is his middle name,” she retorted before making an impatient gesture with her hand towards the cigarette. “Now, show me how to use this wretched thing.”

“I love when I have to do everything for you,” Wes responded in a light tone.

He made no move to give her the cigarette however. He was still looking to play a bit, which Bobbi couldn’t find in herself to appreciate at the moment. She rolled her eyes.

“I love when you shut up,” she responded, once more making a grabbing motion. “Give me the stupid cigarette, Westley Graham. Now.”

“I think you’re the one lying now,” Wes replied, smirking once again but finally handing over the cigarette. “You love it when I talk.”

“Just tell me what to do, smart ass.” She was beginning to lose her patience.

“Well, I thought it was quite obvious there. You inhale. Go a bit slow. Just like you’re taking a breath.”

Bobbi stared at the cigarette in her hands for a moment before looking up at Wes who gave her an encouraging nod. Gideon’s face was more on the impassive side. It held no judgment but it doesn’t necessarily hold any support either. She wondered what he was thinking.

“Well, go on. It’s not a snake, it isn’t going to bit you,” Wes said lightly. “Unless you’re afraid of a little smoke.”

Bobbi’s jaw clenched for a moment and she bought it up to her lips, inhaling a bit faster and deeper than she meant to. Immediately, a foul acrid taste hit her tongue and the smoke seemed to be pushing into her lungs too much too fast. She coughed a bit, not unlike Gideon had. Wes placed a gentle hand on her shoulder and behind his amusement, she could see he actually felt some concern.

“Fuck,” she croaked, looking at Wes in disbelief. “You enjoy this?”

“Are you even surprised?” Gideon spoke, arching an eyebrow. “He’s not the best authority on anything. I mean he runs eight miles and gets arrested for fun.”

Wes, who had been watching Bobbi warily for a moment, turned to scowl at Gideon.

“And you read  _War and Peace_  in both the original Russian and French for fun. I’m not certain you get to be the authority on what should be fun and what shouldn’t be either,” he said with a roll of his eyes before turning back to Bobbi, his expression gentling a bit. “It’s more enjoyable after a few hits. That’s when the nicotine hits and you get a nice kinda buzz feeling.”

“This might be the worst idea you’ve ever had,” she said, shaking her head.

“I thought me stealing Grandpa David’s truck and driving it into the ditch was the worst idea I’ve ever had,” Wes said lightly.

He was trying to get her to smile. That was the only explanation she could come up with for him bringing up the truck incident. He hated talking about it. It wasn’t necessarily his finest hour and it had been the talk of the town for months afterwards. Everyone seemed to enjoy the fact that Emma Swan’s wayward and rebellious son had stolen his grandfather’s truck and had driven it into the small ravine located not too far from the Charming Farm. His ears had been red for a solid five months afterwards.

“Nope, this is the worst,” Bobbi asserted before giving him a small smirk. “At least with the truck thing I got a video of you being a jack ass out of it.”

“That was a good video. It was even better with the explosion animation you added in,” Gideon laughed heartily, remembering the video as well.

The modifications had been made in pure boredom on a rainy day when Bobbi had too much time on her hands. She hadn’t done much to the video, just added the Speed Racer theme song and a poorly done animation of an explosion at the end when the truck had made contact with the bottom of the ditch. Bobbi hadn’t been that impressed with her improvements but the majority of her peers, Gideon included, seemed to think they were genius. Wes hadn’t necessarily appreciated them. He never made a comment about the video, but Bobbi knew him well enough to know that he had not been pleased.

“I’m glad you both can laugh about an incident that broke my arm and got me grounded for the whole summer,” Wes grumbled.

“Well, what else are we going to laugh at? Your jokes aren’t nearly as funny,” Bobbi snickered because she couldn’t help herself. It was rare that Wes allowed himself to be the butt of anything. She wasn’t going to miss an opportunity to needle him a little bit.

“Do you want to learn how to make the ring or not, Bobs?” Wes asked with a small sulky look, obviously trying to change the subject.

“Oh my god, are you pouting?” Bobbi asked with a small laugh.

“He is!” Gideon confirmed, pointing at him and chuckling alongside her. It seemed Gideon didn’t want to waste this opportunity as well. It felt good to get the upper hand on Wes. “Someone tell the Mirror! Westley Graham Jones is pouting!”

“More like Westley Graham Jones needs new friends,” Wes replied gruffly.

“Did he just refer to himself in the third person?” Bobbi smirked, turning to Gideon. She wasn’t ready to let this up.

“He likes to think he’s Mr. T,” Gideon replied slyly.

Bobbi snorted at that one.

“Mr. T? For real? His pale blonde ass isn’t anything like Mr. T. He’s more like a less drugged out Macaulay Culkin, especially with that hair,” Bobbi stated airily, gesturing to Wes’s outrageously long blonde hair, which he had refused to let anyone cut ever since his mother had accidentally shaved it all off in the fifth grade. He had looked like a cancer patient for weeks.

Wes’s jaw dropped at that one and he looked caught between shock and outrage.

“Okay, now I’m offended,” he said, crossing his arms in front of his chest and glaring at them. 

Bobbi watched as his fist tightened in the crook of his elbow, but she couldn’t find it in herself to feel bad. Wes was constantly pushing. It was only fair that he got pushed back.

“Poor baby boo!” Bobbi replied, placing her hand over her chest in mock sympathy. “My heart positively weeps for you.”

“There is something very satisfying about knowing that you can’t take what you dish, Westley,” Gideon stated in a calm measured tone that was betrayed by the twinkling in his brown eyes. He was enjoying this just as much as Bobbi was.

She watched as Wes’s jaw worked for a moment. He looked like he really wanted to say something, but he seemed to rethink that course of action because he let go of all the tension that had been steadily growing in his shoulders and merely rolled his eyes at them.

“Yeah, yeah,” he scoffed before his eyes met Bobbi’s again. “Let’s get back to the program, Miss Mills.”

This time it was Bobbi who rolled her eyes.

“Okay, back to our featured presentation of me choking on smoke. Fun.”

“For me? Yes,” Wes replied, not even remotely apologetic. “Just relax, Bobs. Inhale deeply but this time before you exhale, just try to hold it a bit okay? See if you can do that. And if you can, form your mouth into an ‘o’ shape and just push your jaw and your tongue repeatedly.”

Bobbi brought the cigarette back up to her lips and let it rest between her lips.

“You make it sound easy,” she said with a slight shake of her head.

“Because it is.”

“Shall I get the camera ready for when she fails?” Gideon asked in a teasing tone.

Bobbi glared at Gideon half-heartedly, raising her hand and flipping him the bird. Gideon merely chuckled, unfazed by her response. It wasn’t the first time and it wouldn’t be the last time that Bobbi Mills would give Gideon Gold the finger. It was practically customary at this point.

“You’re supposed to be on my side, Gold!” she admonished him, but there was no real heat behind her words.

“I thought I made it very clear that I’m on no one’s side,” he replied, trying to make himself more comfortable in his chair.

Instead of replying, Bobbi focused her energy on the cigarette between her lips. She inhaled slowly this time. The feeling of smoke entering her throat felt funny but she didn’t feel like she was about to choke as she did last time. She did her best to hold it in her mouth like Wes instructed. It felt awkward as she did her best to form an ‘o’ with her lips while trying to keep it all from coming out.

“That a girl,” Wes said, nodding in approval.

But just as he was nodding and she moved to try and form the circles, she coughed a bit. All the smoke expelled from her mouth and she sighed in frustration.

“I hate you,” she groaned, running her fingers through her hair.

“You say that so often, I don’t think you know what it means,” Wes replied with a small laugh.

Bobbi glared while Gideon bit his lip to keep from snickering. Wes had an annoying habit of quoting _the Princess Bride_ at her, insisting that it was “his movie” since his mother had named him after the Dread Pirate Roberts. Growing up, he had often teased her by calling her “Robin Wright” or worse, “his Buttercup.” As far as Bobbi was concerned, she wasn’t Wes Jones’s anything, let alone his Princess Buttercup.

“If you start a _Princess Bride_ quoting tirade, I will end you,” she hissed.

“As you wish,” he replied with a wink and a mock bow. She leaned forward and gave him a swift kick in the leg, which caused him to laugh.

“It’s like you want him to press your buttons,” Gideon commented, shaking his head and laughing alongside Wes.

“Shut up,” she replied through gritted teeth. She looked at the cigarette and sighed. “And this is stupid.”

“You’re welcome to back out if you need to, Princess,” Wes shrugged casually as if he hadn’t spent the last hour goading her into this stupid smoke ring nonsense.

“You would never let me hear the end of it,” she scoffed, giving him a dirty look.

“You’re right,” Wes agreed steadily, exchanging a look with Gideon. “I wouldn’t.”

Bobbi gave Wes another long look before taking another drag. It went down smoother than the last one. Once more, she formed an ‘o’ with her mouth and looked to Wes for confirmation. He gave her a small smile and a nod of approval. If she wasn’t so focused on doing this right, she probably would have smiled back at him.

“Alright, now push your tongue forward and your jaw too. The jaw thing helps form them better and makes them last longer. Just push forward like you’re pushing something out, which you kinda are,” Wes instructed, demonstrating how to move her jaw.

Bobbi wasn’t sure if she was doing the tongue thing right, but she knew she at least had get the jaw thing down. She followed Wes’s instructions to the best of her ability. Three weak rings floating from her mouth. She watched them with a big grin on her face. Gideon began to clap delicately.

“It only took a few tries, but you did it. Congrats,” he said gently with a small smile. “And you proved that Wes was full of shit.”

“What do you mean I was full of shit?” Wes exclaimed, slightly outraged. “She got it right!”

“You said she would get it on the first try,” Gideon reminded him in a patient tone that Bobbi could tell was pissing Wes off. “She didn’t get it on the first try. It was the third one. Therefore, you, Westley Jones, are full of shit.”

“Always a stickler for the fine print,” Wes muttered, looking like he wanted to complain some more.

Gideon looked at him in disbelief.

“You’re kidding, right?”

Bobbi removed the cigarette from her mouth and pushed herself back in her chair a bit, bracing herself for another rendition of the Gold versus Jones war, junior edition to break out in front of her. Gideon and Wes constantly sassed each other, but she could tell a nerve had been hit this time with Wes’s not so subtle reference to Gideon’s father.

However, the verbal war never came. Shit went sideways, but not in the way that Bobbi had expected.

“Well, well, well…. what do we have here?”

The three of them froze as Regina Mills walked into the Jones’ backyard, a stack of ancient tomes resting on her hip. She didn’t look impressed in the slightest to see them, in fact she looked downright frosty. It was then Bobbi realized she had a cigarette still burning between her fingers and her blood nearly ran cold at the realization. She immediately dropped it and crushed it with the bottom of her Coach sandals.

Only Wes had the spine to move and meet Regina’s gaze. He gave her a sliver of a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes, straightening his shoulders as if preparing himself for some sort of battle. Bobbi didn’t know why he even bothered. He had no chance of winning against her aunt.

“Hey Regina…”

“Hello Westley,” she drawled, eyes flickering towards the cigarette on the ground.

“Aunt Genie, I”-“No need to make excuses, Robin, I have eyes,” Regina interrupted Bobbi, narrowing her eyes as she approached them with the calm, collected stride of a predator cornering her prey. “Though I can’t imagine why you thought this was a good idea…I thought you had better sense than this. I thought after all of my teachings you would know better, but obviously I need to double my efforts. I didn’t expect this of you.”

Bobbi fought the urge to curl up into a ball in her seat, but she didn’t. She needed to stay strong. The only thing that could make this situation worse was if Regina knew how panicked she was on the inside. She would needle away at it like no one’s business.

Regina was far from over with her speech. Bobbi braced for the worse.

“Him, however,” she gestured to Gideon, who stiffened under the attention. “I expected this since he blindly follows Westley into whatever harebrained scheme he plots in his dire need to make Mommy and Daddy notice him, you see, because Westley, despite coming from a loving and caring family, thinks Mommy and Daddy don’t pay enough attention to him since he has a top selling novelist and an all-American boy scout for older brothers, America’s Next Top Model for a sister and the world’s cutest cabbage patch kid for younger brother. Life sucks for him so he feels the need to blacken his lungs and contract cancer so he can wither away and everyone will wish they paid more attention to poor, poor Westley.”

“Are you psychoanalyzing me?” Wes asked, staring at her like he had never truly seen her before.

“No. I’m dumbass-analyzing you. You’re not mentally ill. Just stupid,” Regina replied with a snort.

“Am I right in assuming we are now royally screwed?” Gideon asked tentatively.

Regina smiled and it wasn’t a kind one. In fact, it was a smile that Bobbi could only categorize as the epitome of evil. Bobbi was more than aware that people used to refer to her aunt as the Evil Queen, but she never quite understood why until that moment. Regina had just verbally decimated them like it was no one’s business. Wes, who always seemed to have a comeback for everything, was at loss for words.

“That would be a very logical assumption and yes, Gideon, you’re royally screwed,” Regina replied with a humorless chuckle. “If you think I’m not telling your mothers about this, then you have another thing coming. There’s nothing I love more than reminding both of them that they shouldn’t have procreated.”

Wes blinked rapidly for a moment as if someone had hit him over the head with a club. He turned to Bobbi, eyebrows furrowed.

“And you seriously think I’m Satan?” he asked, disbelief coloring his tone.

“You are,” Bobbi replied, standing firmly behind her decision. “Regina is just the vengeful good who smites us all when we get tempted by you.”

“How biblical of you,” Wes said dryly.

“You are very lucky that I’m not your mother, Westley Graham Jones,” Regina stated, dropping the books on the deck table and crossing her arms in front of her chest. “The fact I even just said that makes me want to violently vomit, but if I was your mother, your ass would be grass because I’ve already thought of at least a hundred different ways to teach you a lesson.”

“Lucky me,” Wes replied sarcastically, looking like he was fighting the urge to roll his eyes. Bobbi wanted to smack him for it. He didn’t seem to get that Regina had his balls in a proverbial vice.

Gideon, who had turned as white as sheet and had clammed up when Regina had made it clear that she was going to tell his mother what had transpired, licked his lips for moment before he spoke.

“I hope Mom doesn’t toss a dictionary at my head this time…” he murmured softly.

“Face it, Gid,” Wes sighed, swinging an arm over Gideon’s shoulders. Wes wasn’t nearly as tall as his older brother Harrison, but he was taller than both Gideon and Bobbi, which made him a bit insufferable at times. “It’s going to a dictionary, a thesaurus, an encyclopedia and a cook book. But that will be nothing compared what your mom would probably do to me…”

“This is true,” Gideon said with a weak smile. “She did chase you around the library last time.”

Bobbi frowned, trying to recall the incident in question but she came up short. She had no idea what they were talking about.

“I don’t remember that at all,” she said slowly, focusing on the two of them because she couldn’t deal with Regina’s reproachful and judgmental gaze staring her down and waiting for her to crumble under the pressure.

“You weren’t there,” Gideon said carefully, looking as if he was weighing his words.

A strange mixture of curiosity and betrayal seemed to be brewing in the pit of Bobbi’s stomach as she regarded her two closest friends, who seemed to be shifting in their seats and looking anywhere but at her.

“What were you guys doing in the library?” she asked finally after an awkward moment of silence.

“Nothing!” Both Wes and Gideon exclaimed in unison, their cheeks bright red and their expressions nervous. Even the tips of Wes’s ears were scarlet. Bobbi wanted to press the issue but wasn’t sure how to go about it in front of Regina.

It seemed their conversation was doing nothing to assauge Regina’s mood because she huffed impatiently and began riffling through her things for her phone.

“I don’t have time for amateur hour,” she told them with a look of annoyance. “I’m calling Emma. She can deal with you.”

“If you’re in such a hurry why the hell did you bother coming by our house?” Wes asked with an arched eyebrow.

Regina gave him a dirty look and lifted the books off the table for them to see. They looked incredibly old and Bobbi knew without a doubt that they were spell books from her aunt’s private collection. Bobbi had seen them many times in Regina’s vault, often in her glass cabinet under lock and key and a few spells to boot.

“I was dropping these off for your mother,” Regina explained coolly. “Though I doubt she would have any more success with them than you. Your entire family has so much potential, but you’re all woefully dismal with magic.”

“That was half a compliment there, Regina,” Wes replied with a waning smile. “You’re losing your touch.”

Both Gideon and Bobbi groaned. Wes really didn’t know when to shut up.

Regina seemed more amused than anything however. She quirked her eyebrow at Wes as she finally pulled out her phone.

“Please,” she said with a small snort. “You need a little kindness for what’s about to happen. I wish I could say it was a pleasure knowing you, but you’ve been a constant pain in my side since you were conceived.”

“It’s a talent,” Wes replied dryly.

“Can you not keep antagonizing the woman who is about to tell your mother what we’ve been up to? That would be a more intelligent course of action,” Gideon exclaimed in exasperation, racking both hands through his hair.

“Don’t bother,” Bobbi muttered under her breath. “He can’t help himself.”

Regina gave them another arched look before she tapped on the screen of her phone a few times before bringing it up to her ear. As she waited for Emma to pick up on the other line, she gave them all a cold smirk.

“Hello Emma..” she greeted, her eyes cutting to Wes, who stiffened when he realized Regina was now on the phone with his mother. “I was just dropping off the books that you requested when I discovered that your spawn was up to no good again…Westley, of course…”

Wes’s face went entirely impassive as if he was emotionally bracing himself for the end of the world. It seemed like every single muscle in his body had gone stiff. Bobbi winced just looking at him.

“Well, he, Gideon and Robin thought it was an excellent idea to smoke in your backyard,” Regina stated finally. There was a moment of silence before Emma exploded on the other end of the line. Bobbi couldn’t hear what she was saying, but it was loud enough that Regina held the phone away from her ear a bit, flinching at the volume level. “I would like to remind you, Emma, that I didn’t adopt any of your other children so you should stop expecting me to raise them for you…”

At that statement both Gideon and Wes stared a look and though Wes was still keeping up his stoic façade, he mouthed ‘oh fuck’ at the other boy. Bobbi fought the urge to give Wes an awkward pat on the shoulder.  

Regina wasn’t paying attention however. She was still on the phone with Emma.

“Well, you should have thought about that before you decided to procreate with a one-handed alcoholic who wears eyeliner,” Regina replied sardonically to whatever Emma was saying on the phone. “Yes, fine, I will wait with them while you get back just this once, but please hurry because I have actual things to do aside from babysitting your wayward spawn and his band of misfits.”

“You realize that your niece is a part of that ‘band of misfits’ as you so adeptly put it?” Wes asked Regina with an arch of his eyebrow when she finally finished her phone call with his mother.

Regina smiled almost pleasantly in response.

“Would you like a shovel to help with that hole you keep digging?” she asked lightly.

“For the love of god, Westley, please shut up!” Gideon exclaimed, looking very stressed out at the moment. He looked five seconds away from singing a depressing Dido song and planning Wes’s funeral arrangements.

Bobbi placed a hand on Gideon’s knee in hopes of calming him.

“Don’t stress yourself over him. Let the train wreck be a train wreck.”

It didn’t take long for Emma Swan to arrive, green eyes blazing with fury and striding towards them with purpose. No wonder the Jones kids had a healthy fear of their mother. The only way Emma Swan could have been more intimidating in that moment was if she had arrived with a sword in hand. Bobbi had never really found the woman intimidating before but now she knew what the fuss was about. A hint of fear ran down her spine and she once again wanted to curl up and hide.

Not too far behind Emma Swan was her husband and Wes’s father Killian Jones as well as Gideon’s mother Belle Gold. Both looked equally pissed off. Killian had drawn himself to his full height and his eyes, which were near identical to his son’s, were narrowed into angry blue slits while Belle’s lips were pursed in disapproval, her hands balled at her sides.

Gideon near wilted at the sight of his mother while Wes’s eyes kept flickering between his mother and father as if calculating in his head which one of them was more pissed off at the moment. Bobbi didn’t have to weigh her scales. Her mother wouldn’t care. In fact, Bobbi was certain Zelena would be downright amused that her daughter had been caught smoking. Regina was a different story entirely. Her disapproval was practically palpable and Bobbi was certain that Regina would find a very creative fashion to punish her in.

“Ah shit,” Wes muttered softly under his breath. It came out so quietly that Bobbi nearly didn’t hear him.

“She called my mother,” Gideon whispered. “I’m fucked.”

“No, Gid, we’re fucked,” Wes corrected, giving him a phantom of a smile.

“It was a pleasure knowing both of you,” Gideon said quietly to the two of them.

“Yeah, well, same here, bud,” Wes whispered back. “I hope hell isn’t as hot as I think it is.”

“I hope so too,” Bobbi said lightly. “Because with your skin, you’ll be lobster bisque before you know it.”

“Not cool, Bobs, not cool,” Wes replied back in mock offense.

Emma wasted no time. She immediately went up to her son and grabbed the front of his t-shirt, practically pulling him out of his seat. Her face was practically purple with anger.

“Do you ever use your brain?!” Emma practically roared in his face.

Bobbi watched as fear and panic flickered through Wes’s blue eyes. Though he still looked relatively impassive, she was certain that he was ready to shit his pants.

“I feel like this is a trick question,” Wes replied faintly.

“I promised myself I would be a good parent, you know, the type that doesn’t hit their child, but you’re making me consider it. Seriously, kid, I’m five seconds away from killing you! I don’t understand how someone as smart and clever as you can be such an idiot!”

While Emma was dressing Wes down in the most epic of fashions, Belle also wasn’t wasting any time laying into Gideon. Though her son was now taller than she was, Belle had no issue grabbing her son by the ear and giving him a firm look.

“I don’t even know where to start with you, but you’re in big trouble, Gideon Maurice Gold,” she stated in a barely civil tone.

Gideon winced.

“Understandably. I’m sorry, Mom,” Gideon replied, looking somewhat pathetic under his mother’s angry gaze.

Bobbi’s eyes flickered toward Regina waiting for her to say something along the same lines as the other parents, but she just gave her the same unimpressed look. Regina had already given her a decent dress down, but Bobbi was certain there would be more to come. Bobbi bit her lip and banished all the ugly scenarios that her mind kept coming up with in regards to the punishments Regina would concoct. Instead, she chose to focus on Emma’s yelling at Wes.

“Let me guess? I’m grounded for two weeks with no video games, television or laptop?” Wes asked, trying to keep his voice even.

“Nice try,” Emma snorted, not at all impressed with his choice of punishment. “You’re really lowballing there. You’re grounded for a whole month at least and you’re on designated babysitting duty for both us and your grandparents.”

“And you’re on careening duty this weekend for the Jolly,” Killian stated, speaking up for the first time instead of standing imperiously behind his wife.

Bobbi had no idea what careening duty was or what it entailed but what she did know is that as much as Wes loved sailing, he hated ship duties and would often rant about how his father’s punishments generally involved grueling ship related duties, as if Killian Jones could not entirely leave the pirate captain behind. Wes’s last rant from a few weeks ago still echoed in Bobbi’s ears. “Do you know how filthy three-hundred-year old bilges are, Bobs? Pretty fucking filthy! The old man is sadistic!”

“In this heat?” Wes asked, aghast. “You have to be joking. I’m going to die.”

“Not at all,” Killian responded, not moved by his son’s argument. “Taking care of a ship is hard work and I couldn’t possibly get all the barnacles off the bottom by myself at my age. It will certainly keep you out of trouble.”

The old pirate captain’s eyes then met Belle’s.

“We could use some extra hands if you’re willing to let up your son for the weekend. A little hard work might do Gideon some good.”

“That actually sounds like a wonderful idea,” Belle said with a nod. “Gideon will definitely be available to help out this weekend. His schedule is about to become very clear.”

Both Wes and Gideon groaned in unison.

“You’re definitely going to be lobster bisque,” Gideon whispered to Wes.

“Look who is talking, Casper!” Wes shot back, grimacing.

Bobbi began praying to any deity that would listen that Regina could not offer her up for the same deal. She had no idea how to work a pirate ship and from how much the boys were complaining, it didn’t seem like a fun time. Regina could be cruel, but she wasn’t that cruel.

“I would offer Robin up as well, but she and I are going to have some quality time cleaning up the vault,” Regina said finally, revealing Bobbi’s fate.

Bobbi nearly blanched at her words. The back ends of Regina’s vault was dark, dusty and full of dangerous objects that could kill her in an instant. She suddenly regretted being so against ship duties.

“Yippee,” she muttered under her breath and once more, she cursed Wes Jones for getting her into another mess.


End file.
